The One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function

relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5

sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, your are craving

a Philly sub and steak fries.

The Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but

you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are

chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still

tossing around the fruit pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House

excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your

bowels.

The Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not

productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume

reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic

friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you

were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of

coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet

you haven't peed once.

The Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly

or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for

being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You

wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only

shaved one side of your face. (for the ladies, it looks like you

put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look

like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is

in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take

during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the

bathroom.

The Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually

annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is

seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have

toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your

teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue

is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell

the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt

to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of

alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole

purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water

all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.